Some of you may know my journey with my little princess and some of you may not.  Images and details are sometimes hard to share.  My daughter, Lilly, was born at 27 weeks and we spent 3 LONG months in the NICU at Providence Women's & Children's Pavilion.  I really don't wish that upon my worst enemy to have a child spend the first 3 months of their life in there.  Out of my control I was diagnosed with H.E.L.L.P I was admitted into the hospital on May 6th and was put under close watch.  It was the scariest & probably worst time of my life.  Not knowing if I was going to die or if my unborn child was going to survive.

Lilly was born May 8th at 27 weeks weighing 1lb 13oz.  For the first few days I was not able to see her due to me still recovering from the HELLP syndrome.  I was given magnesium that kept me pretty sedated for a few days to make sure that I would recover from my kidney's and liver shutting down, and blood pressure reaching sky high.  I'm slowing getting better but I truly feel that I was robbed of a mother & daughter bond with my little girl.  Not being able to see her for a few days and then not being able to touch her with out rubber gloves.  Heart wrenching.....

It was not a fun experience...they wanted to send me home on mothers day and I feel apart.  How?  Just how could you send me home on mothers day with out my baby? My blood pressure went up and darn it....I had to say another night.  Finally I had to be released from the hospital and I was a wreck.  Not taking my baby home and LEAVING her in someone elses care.  

For 3 LONG months I made the journey everyday to the hospital to make sure the Dr's and Nurses were doing their job to my expectation.  My expectations were a little over the top but considering the situation I didn't care! I may have fired a few nurses .....and yes you can do that! But, I did become pretty close with a few and still are in contact to this day. 

My amazing husband started a blog and updated it with the Dr's notes on Lilly's care everyday.  As parents you are able to meet with all the Dr's, nutritionists, nurses & pharmacists and go over your child care for that day and put in your request or recommendations.  Most of the time we let them do their thing.  Their was one time one of the Dr's wanted to give Lilly a trial medicine that cured puppies.  I flipped out.  Yes, the words "trial medicine cured puppies" did come out of his mouth.  I instantly spoke up and said that my child was not a puppy and you WON'T be using that. Considering the pharmacist agreed with me I felt pretty good about my decision.  They rotated Dr's out every three weeks and I do have to say that he was one I really never cared for.  So for 3 months my husband blogged and I took pictures to go with the blog.  Now they were then best images, but being that I just got my camera the November before Lilly was born I was not able to master it yet and so I just used my little instamatic.  The blog website was shut down but I did manage to export it and get it saved.  I will someday make a book for Lilly and share it with her.  THAT will be also hard to go back and read.  

I have been asked several times if I would donate sessions to NICU parents.  My answer has always been no.  Being in the NICU was the worst time of my life.  I was unhappy every day I was there and actually kept people and visitors from coming for a few days just so I could have my somewhat own space with my daugher.  I'm so grateful for the people who did come visit me....but everything just became so overwhelming I had no choice but to regroup my emotions of #1 being in there for almost 3 months and #2 almost loosing Lilly twice to a few extremely bad infections.  I've always felt guilty for telling people no that I couldn't take photos of babies in NIUC's and I really have wanted to try and get over my whole anxiety of the situation.  

The past 6 years now have been a whole new life for me to raise Lilly.  She has been in therapy since she was 2.  I was unaware of the Birth to 3 program the the hospital offered for follow up care for Lilly, but at 2 I just knew there was something a little special about her.  She wasn't able to self sooth, you couldn't make a peep once you laid her down for bed cause she heard everything and would cry, loud noises bother and she wasn't able to talk.  Finally this year we have a clear picture for Lilly.  She has been diagnosed ADHD, NVLD (Non Verbal Learning Disorder)  & Sensory Processing Disorder.  We always new that Lilly had a neurological disorder but to now have a specific diagnosis has been a DREAM!  Now we know how to approach Lilly and it has made a world of difference.  I chose to opt out on the meds and try just feeding her the proper foods, vitamins, & coin method.  It's been like night and day.  Lilly is so much happier and so are WE! 

This is Lilly's story of 6 years.  I'm now at ease with her and don't blame me for what happened or wonder why I was cursed to have her go through all this at just the beginning of her life.  Man is that freeing to say.......

Being free of pain, blame & guilt I now think I am ready to share her images.  I left out the super graphic images like when they put a breathing tube down her throat when she was born.....but you don't need to see that!!  I do admit I did not look my best in a lot of these images and thank god I have done something about that now!  

Happy Birthday to my princess.  You have taught me patients, brought me tears of happiness and emotions that I have for no other being.  I love you with all my heart.

This is Lilly's Birth Day story......